How Can Controlling Your Emotions Safeguard Your Relationships?

Learning how to control your temper will help improve your relationship skills.

I used to be a total hothead. Because my astrological sign is Taurus the bull, my family often made comments about how bullheaded I was, or how I would swell up like a bull whenever I got mad.

Do you ever find that you have a hard time holding your temper? Perhaps you know someone that always has a tendency to fly off the handle and say the wrong thing whenever they are mad.

All of us either know someone like this, or God forbid, we may actually be that person. Whatever the case, it is important to fully understand why we should even bother with controlling our emotions.

Stop Making Excuses

I had to learn how to stop making excuses for always losing my temper and if this is your problem, so do you. Loss of control is exactly the type of behavior that can lead to much more than just a lovers’ quarrel.

Failing to control ones’ emotions has led to many break ups, divorces, even violent crimes within a relationship. That includes marriages, friendships, families, and romantic involvements.

“That’s just them”. No doubt you’ve heard this said about the loud mouth who everyone knows is going to end up “going off”. No matter how much this type of behavior may be a part of their personality; this is definitely not the way to handle a bad situation. In fact, it can only make matters worse!

Being a hothead is definitely not the way to hold on to the people you care about.

As long as we are living and breathing, disagreements with other people will occur. That is why it is so important to learn how to deal with them properly. It may not even be the actual incident that causes a problem to escalate, but rather, the way people react to the incident.

When you fail to get control of your feelings, you can cause a minor incident to get completely out of hand.

Safeguard Relationships

One of the biggest reasons to start controlling your emotions is because it can help to safeguard your relationships. Believe me when I say that I personally had to learn this the hard way.

Learn how to let things cool down when arguments occur. Don’t allow a loss of self-control to end up ruining your relationships. There is lots of help, both online and off, for those who want to learn how to manage their anger.

Remember, there is always a right way to handle anger, and losing your temper with loved ones is NOT it. You can start with these 6 tips to help control your emotions:

TIPS to keep in mind:

1 Do your best to stay calm and don’t allow yourself to be swept up in your emotions. Instead of concentrating on how you FEEL, focus more on the actual situation so you can use sound reasoning.

2 If emotions are running too high, go take a little walk so you can distance yourself, not just from the person involved, but also from the problem.

3 Take the time to listen and really hear what the other person is saying. Remember, they may be speaking from the emotions that THEY are caught up in, so you don’t want to end up fanning the flames.

4 Be sure that you have properly conveyed your own thoughts and feelings to the other person without using negative emotions to do it.

5 Take the time to identify the EXACT problem and try hard to see it from the other person’s perspective.

6 If the mood isn’t too heated, discuss solutions to whatever the problem is, as well as the possible consequences of those solutions (so the cure doesn’t turn into another argument 🙂


Since communication is a vital key in any relationship, it is important that you gain control of your emotions when problems arise. Doing this will help you with the people in your life.

When you come to a meeting of the minds, you can handle any of life’s little disagreements. All it takes is controlling your emotions.

Is it Wrong to Feel Pride When You Succeed?

Being proud about a job well done is healthy and acceptable behavior.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a sense of pride when you succeed at something and you get a positive outcome. Some people view pride as an emotion that we can do without, but that’s just not so.

Just like most things in the world, pride is an emotion that people can tend to go overboard with, in one way or another. Some people get beside themselves and become too proud, while others may misinterpret the Bible’s warning about pride.

Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD: though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished.

Proverbs 16:5

Those people who advocate against pride, will typically cite scriptures like the above one taken from the book of Proverbs. There are actually tons of scriptures that speak about this feeling or emotion.

But the truth of the matter is, it can really be used in a good or bad sense. The pride that I’m referring to in this post has reference to a feeling of accomplishment, after succeeding at something positive.

Pride and Success

When you think about it, pride and success tend to go hand-in-hand. Does that mean that it’s automatically wrong to succeed? Of course not. But surely, succeeding at something bad or negative is a different story.

You might be a successful liar, or thief, or maybe even a murderer. Clearly, that’s not a positive case of being successful, and it’s nothing to be proud of. But successfully accomplishing something productive or noble would be.

Once you accept that it is sometimes okay to have a sense of pride, then you will begin to feel like you found a key to accomplishing more in your life. There is no greater feeling than that WOW feeling you get when you succeed at something!

You know the feeling I mean; it’s a combination of pride, joy, relief, satisfaction, and even a touch of smugness.

Of course you are proud, and you have a right to be (minus the smuggness)! Succeeding at something often requires more than one, two, or even three tries. When you finally get it right and things finally come together, you can’t help but feel pride in yourself.

Positive Pride and Joy

That feeling of positive pride can quickly lead to joy — the elation that comes from a job well done! You’re relieved that you did it and even in a timely way, so the feeling of incompleteness is a load off your shoulders.

The feeling of success is definitely worth any legitimate efforts that we put forth to win. But it is about more than simply the good feeling that comes from winning, but about knowing that you won fair and square.

This is one aspect of success that determined people sometimes take for granted, or forget altogether. Make sure when you succeed, you succeed with honor.

Having succeeded, then you can feel satisfied as well as justified! Then, all that you can think to say is WOW! The little bit of smugness is for those who had no faith; they didn’t really think that you’d succeed.

So you can feel good knowing that you proved the skeptics wrong while they all sit back and look and say to themselves, Wow!

What Defines Happiness in Life And How Does Worry Interfere with Happiness?

Defining happiness requires considering the affect that worry can have on a happy life.

The definition of happiness and the answer to how to live a happy life is a popular question, though most people don’t want to know the REAL answer.

The last thing they (meaning you and me, and every damn body else) want to hear is that the true definition of happiness and how to find it is actually INSIDE US.

See what I mean? I can already see you reaching for the mouse and about to click away to something else. BUT WAIT.

Why Happiness Within?

I know what you’re thinking; “why the happiness within routine?” Were you hoping to hear some magical B.S. about a happiness pill, that perhaps you could even run out and buy, or better yet, order on Amazon?

Real happiness doesn’t work like that, and if it does, it doesn’t work for long.

Just think for a moment. Isn’t it much better to know that YOU are the one who is in charge of your happiness? In fact, once you learn more about this, and how to tap into making yourself more happy, you won’t need anything else.

Indulge me for a moment, and consider my particular perspective in the next few paragraphs, and maybe you’ll find a new way to look at being happy. If not, you can always find a definition and solution more to your liking; whatever makes you happy 🙂

Worry Hates Happy

In case you didn’t already know it, worry hates happy, and the two cannot coexist. When I look at the photo of the statue called the “Thinker,” it makes me wonder what was really on his mind. Could it be that he was worried?

I never bothered to learn the history of how the statue came about, but he sure looks like a man with a ton of problems. Scroll back to the top of the page and see what I mean.

No doubt, he had some of the same issues we face today, like the stress of family, finances, and how to spend the rest of our lives.

If money worries, relationships and other areas in life are causing you stress, this is in direct opposition to your happiness. You can’t allow yourself to be burdend down, to the point that there’s no room for happiness in your life.

Worry Less in Life

One of the best ways for you to worry less in life is to always try and focus your time and attention on something else; something positive.

When you learn how to keep yourself busy every day, with things that bring you joy, you’ll quickly forget about all those nagging negative thoughts.

That doesn’t mean you’ll forget about them altogether, or that you’ll start to get neglectful. It simply means that you start to learn how to compartmentalize things in a logical way.

You can begin by occupying your thoughts with a series of little pieces of happiness, scattered throughout your day.

When you really give it some thought, determining what things bring you joy is not that difficult to do.

Once you discover how to be happy every day, any issue that you haven’t found a way to resolve yet can be placed on a back burner until you have a solution.

Try Focused Happiness

So the first thing that needs to happen in order for you to worry less is for you to figure out how to make yourself happy. Not just a general, vague, overall sense of happiness, but focused happiness.

Believe it or not, having something to focus on and look forward to during the course of your daily routine can bring you more joy than you know.

It could be something as small or insignificant as allowing yourself a special snack treat (but only if you’re not already worried about your diet).

This may all sound a little too good to be true and you probably doubt if it actually works to help eliminate worry. Well, you’ll never know for sure, unless you give it a try.

But first, you have to know what kind of things in life actually make you happy. Do you?

Make Yourself Happy

If you are one of the countless individuals that is always “looking” for happiness, your constant searching could be a primary reason why you feel so miserable or discontent. My motivational, self-help ebook (“Several Simple Solutions) had this to say on the subject:

“Happiness is one of the most elusive feelings in the world, and many people have a hard time finding it. But can happiness really and truly be FOUND if you search hard enough? LOOKING for happiness is a big part of the problem of why many of us never experience happiness.

Just like most people, I was once under the impression that happiness is something that you’re supposes to discover, or find. When you live your life, always waiting to FIND happiness, it seems to become more and more unattainable.

You no more have a chance of “finding” happiness, than you do of stumbling onto and discovering a rare gem or a huge sum of money (and you know what the chances of that happening are).

Does that mean you’ll never be happy in life because the odds of “finding” happiness are too great? Of course not! In fact, you, me, and everyone in the world can be happy every single day, once you learn how to create your own happiness.

Don’t sit around waiting to find happiness, or hoping it will fall into your lap. Start learning how to create your own happiness and you’ll be happy every day.”

5 Steps to Happiness

Now, let’s go a little further and consider 5 steps to a happier you. Set aside some time in your schedule to do a simple little exercise.

Since you have the power to create your own happiness, you will need to sit down and give some real thought to what it is that makes you happy. What activities (large or small) do you derive joy from?

Obviously, some of the things that make you happy are not as attainable as other things. But, there still has to be lots of things that you can derive happiness from, even if you don’t currently enjoy those things right now.

Before you get started with the exercise, you can do some brainstorming, and simply write whatever comes to your mind.

Include everything from the simplest activity, to the most far-fetched. When you get ready to perform the following exercise, focus on things that truly make you happy and select five entries from your brainstorm list.

You can begin by taking the following steps:

1 Take a piece of paper and draw vertical lines on it, making 3 columns

2 In one column, list 5 activities that you really enjoy doing.

3 In the 2nd column, next to each activity, list obstacles that stop you from enjoying that activity

4 In the 3rd column, next to each obstacle, list what you can do to completely eliminate it

5 Finally, select ONE activity and begin taking steps to remove the obstacles that prevent you from enjoying your selection

Oddly enough, your list may actually contain some activities that you still enjoy, but you stopped doing them without a good reason.

But even if you stopped doing something because you had a good reason, perhaps that reason is no longer an obstacle. If it is, maybe you can eliminate or work around the obstacle.

Maybe you used to love to go bowling or skating or take long walks in the park, but for one reason or another you no longer do any of those things.

It’s not that you stopped enjoying these simple little activities, it’s just that you simply stopped doing them. But finding a way to resume doing them on a regular basis can be enjoyable, as well as therapeutic.

Once you get to the stage where you go back to enjoying the first activity from your list, you’ll see how happy it makes you. Not only have you found a way to resume what you love, but you also feel a sense of accomplishment when you check off the activity.

This will motivate you to move on to another activity on the list. In fact, don’t stop working on your list, until you’re able to enjoy all those things that make you happy. When you’re done, be sure to make another list and continue creating your own happiness.


In the Medium article titled: “How To Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind,” writer George J. Ziogas had this to say on the subject:

“Don’t expect to see immediate changes — occasionally that can happen, but more often it takes time.”

He stated this fact, in order to emphasize that certain changes in life will require being consistent and persistent in your efforts.

This is equally true when it comes to learning how to worry less about problems, and focus more on being happy. But just like anything else in life, practice makes perfect, so keep practicing how to be happy every single day.

How Can Writing Be a Form of Creative Healing When You’re a Victim of Abuse?

Both fiction writing, and journal writing can help purge painful memories of abuse.

Oftentimes, former victims of abuse find it hard to talk about the emotional pain they still feel. When this happens, there are various writing methods a person can try, to help them find at least a degree of healing,

Here’s how that works. All writing can basically be considered as creative, even when it’s not fiction writing; and different types of creativity can be employed, in order to help people heal.

In this way, you can help yourself learn to gradually feel better and heal, whether you write in a journal every day, or your writing consists of short stories or other works of fiction.

Healing Victims of Abuse?

Sometimes, life deals people a really crappy hand, and all you can do is play the cards that you’re dealt. This was true for me as a kid, just like it was for lots of other unfortunate children who grow up in foster care.

Kids like us were no strangers to abuse, both before and after entering the system.

Physical, and even verbal abuse can both have side effects, but sexual abuse can often do the most emotional damage; damage that no one can see with the naked eye.

This is especially true if the victim never confided or told anyone; thus was never really able to find healing.

Seeking Survival Strategies

Sufferers from abuse must have effective survival strategies, in order to cope with the emotional aftermath.

These “survival strategies” amount to finding different ways just to live with yourself. For me personally, writing is one of the best and most effective ways.

No matter who the abuser was and how long the abuse lasted, just because you were able to move on doesn’t mean that you’re truly okay. In fact, in many ways, you may never be okay.

The best that most survivors can ever dare hope for is a healthy coping mechanism. For a lot of us survivors, that coping mechanism is (or can be) writing.

Sometimes, adults who were victims of abuse can find the true healing they need, by articulating their pain through writing. I found this to be true in my own case, and I firmly believe that others can do the same.

It’s really liberating, expressing yourself and your pain, through some form of creativity. Even though it doesn’t necessarily have to be writing, and some other creative activity might do, writing is an excellent way to purge yourself.

Journal Writing Fear

When I first started journal writing, I was timid and too afraid to write what I was really feeling. Even though I knew I had absolutely no plans for anyone else to read what I wrote, I still censored myself for a long time.

It took months for me to finally get comfortable with the idea of jotting down precisely what was on my mind.

Eventually, journal writing allowed me to clear my head of private thoughts that made me anxious or full of negative energy. I began regurgitating all those bad memories that secretly haunted my subconscious, just like demons in my sleep.

Before I knew it, I was writing about things buried so deep in my mind that I never even knew they were there. I guess you could say I kind of underwent a form of hypnosis through my writing.

It would still take several years before I really started sharing my truth, but thanks to journaling, the healing process had begun.

Fiction Brings Freedom

My love for words and books has always been evident; in school when I was young, and also when I got older and became a journalism major.

But none of the writing that I did back then ever compared to the eventual freedom I felt after publishing my second novel, “Skipping Childhood: From Abused Foster Child to Adolescent Serial Killer.

While using my creativity and writing a work of fiction, I took the opportunity to inject some actual childhood events. This helped add authenticity to the type of story I was crafting.

Gradually, I was able to open up about quite a few painful and very personal experiences. Since releasing my book in 2014, more and more, I’ve been able to write about difficult topics, and not even hiding behind fiction to do it.

Revealing my truth through fiction finally brought me a sense of freedom from the past. It propelled me down the road to recovery and true healing. But you don’t have to have a painful past of child abuse to be in need of some kind of healing.

Your pain may stem from someone or something else, that you haven’t been able to totally recover from. Perhaps writing about it can help.

Give Writing a Try

If you’re intimidated by the idea of putting your deepest and darkest secrets down on paper (or a computer screen), why not start off simple. First get used to writing your thoughts and ideas that are not so dark or secret, merely just private thoughts.

Try hard not to censor yourself. It’s won’t be easy, but you have got to get used to the idea of writing like no one will read what you write (because after all, no one really has to).

The more you write, the easier it will start to get. Don’t bother trying to go over what you write, at least not anytime soon. You should not allow yourself to get stuck on going over your words and editing your “freestyle” work.

The whole point of this type of therapeutic writing is to get it out, not to read it; not even to share it, but simply to get it out.

There’s no better time than the present to start writing to emancipate yourself. Don’t plan what you will say or think about it, just write. Don’t underestimate the power of writing. It might just be the type of creative healing you need.

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How Do You Move On from a Romantic Relationship?

I lost the same love twice in a lifetime but I learned how to move on.

Moving on from a romantic relationship is possible, even when you can’t imagine living life without the one you love. I know, because I lost the same love twice in a lifetime.

Even though I believe this person was my soulmate, I still learned how to move on, and believe it or not, so can you. Keep reading, while I tell you how I lost my love twice, yet I had to go on with my life.

Love and Grief

Love and grief go hand-in-hand when divorce and death are part of the equation. Recovering from the loss of a loved one is hard, regardless of how and why you may have lost them.

Grieving over a broken romance can be just as difficult for some people, as grieving due to the death of a loved one. I know, because I lost the love of my life in two different ways, on two different occasions, and each time it was hard as hell trying to move on.

The details of my story is sad but true. Even now (decades later), it’s hard to express how I felt all those years ago, without feeling a wisp of pain. These days, the pain is only slight, and doesn’t last long; like a faint breeze that comes out of nowhere, then disappears as quickly as it came.

But that’s only if I chose NOT to dwell on things. Dwelling causes you to start a negative thought pattern and before you know it, you’re depressed. That was one of the things I finally figured out when I first started learning to move on.

Love and Romance

Love and romance are tricky things and no one truly understands what happens between two people who share a special bond. One of the hardest things to do is to get over a lost love, especially if they were the love of your life.

You know the kind of love I mean; that special kind of love when two people are connected, and their hearts seem to share the same rhythm. The kind that Sade meant in her video where she’s a mermaid wearing a wedding gown and singing “No Ordinary Love.” Now that’s special.

But special or not, sometimes, crap happens, even when you have the kind of love that’s not ordinary. Rene, the man I married, was the love of my life. I’ve never loved another man as much, or in the same way.

The first time I ever let him lay a finger on my 18-year-old body, I knew I’d love him forever, and I was right. You can read all about our story right here on Medium in: The Love of My Life is Dead and Gone but it was Definitely No Ordinary Love

Rene is dead and gone now, and I still love him to this day. Did we have a perfect marriage? Not by a long shot. In fact, after ten years, we eventually separated and divorced.

But divorce or no divorce, I loved him intensely, and I believe when he died, he probably still loved me too.

First Came Divorce

The first time I suffered from the loss of my true love was following our painful divorce. Actually, as painful as the result was, the actual divorce itself was quick, and in that respect, I guess you could say it was painless.

In fact, Rene never even showed up in court. But the pain I felt later was harder to deal with, once we officially stopped being man and wife.

I guess I never believed it would really happen. In the back of my mind, I thought we’d get back together and eventually find a way to work things out. We didn’t. As time went on, I had to face the fact that our lives together had come to an end.

I mourned my lost love like a death in the family. The loss I suffered as a result of divorce was truly a tough burden to bare. I still loved my husband. But now his love was reserved for crack cocaine and a love of the streets.

For a long time I d been blind to his secret drug addiction, but the truth finally came to the light. When it did become evident, there was no way I could continue being a co-dependent to his habit, not while I was trying to raise our child.

Raising my son on my own was no easy task either, but at least I could keep him safe from negative surroundings. I refused to let him be exposed to the kind of life that I had to live as a kid.

Getting over Rene took lots of effort on my part, but I was determined to do it for my son. In order to succeed, there were some things I had to learn how to stop doing. One of the main things was letting go of the past.

Releasing the Past

Eventually, I was out of the the “I just gotta see him or hear his voice” stage.

One of the hardest things to do after a bad breakup is learning how to release the past. Even if it has been weeks or months since the official split, you may still find yourself clinging to any and every thing that reminds you of him or her.

This is only natural, but if you keep this behavior up for too long, it starts to become unhealthy. If you don’t let go, you’ll probably make yourself crazy. But how do you release the past, so that you can maintain your sanity? Here is what I had to teach myself.

Just do the opposite of what you’ve been doing. Instead of finding reasons to think about, talk about, or even run into your former love, you have to make a conscious effort to avoid anything that relates or reminds you of him.

At first I tried to tell myself that this was an extreme route to take, but I decided that it was for the best; at least until I was strong enough not to go running back. I made my decision and took it to heart, and only then was I able to stand firm.

Eventually, I was out of the the “I just gotta see him or hear his voice” stage. Once the real healing started, gradually, it didn’t hurt as much whenever I thought about my broken relationship. But until that time, I had to stay on guard and keep taking steps not to think about the past.

As a result of my own experiences, I put together some tips that actually helped me during this rough time in my life. If you’re going through a breakup or suffering from lost love, these tips might also prove helpful to you.

Tips to Help You Move on:

  • Stop all unnecessary communication until it doesn’t hurt anymore
  • Put any photos, keepsakes and other items connected to them out of sight
  • Stop finding reasons to talk about them or slip their name into the conversation
  • Stop inquiring about “how they’re doing” to mutual friends and associates
  • Resist the urge to follow them or their activities on social media
  • For as long as it takes, limit or discontinue spending time with mutual friends from the relationship
  • Avoid favorite places or common hangouts where the two of you spent time
  • Avoid music, movies, and locations that remind you of them

Those are the things NOT to do, but what should you do in the meantime? Live your life and start creating new friends, new favorite places, and start making new memories for yourself.

As you might imagine, it can take a lot of time and effort to get your former lover off your mind and heart, but it can be done if you’re really ready to move on. The key lies in your motivation for sticking to your guns.

Mine was my son; otherwise I would have went back and stuck it out, even if he never wanted to get off drugs. Love for my son forced me to do the right thing and stop running back to a bad situation.

I recall having to scold myself often, for playing familiar songs that made me think about Rene and cry. I had to face up to the fact that no matter how lonely I was or how much I started to miss him, my behavior was only making things worse. It certainly wasn’t helping the situation.

Neither was sobbing my eyes out while desperately clutching his picture. Dwelling about how much I missed my love was causing me to self-destruct. For my child’s sake, I had no other choice but to finally start moving on, so that was exactly what I did.

Death and Grief Follow

Rene died a violent death one year, but I didn’t find out until almost three years later. He lost the apartment I left him living in and eventually wound up on the streets. I really tried to keep up with him over the years and make him stay in contact with his son.

But seeing him like that was really hard and sometimes more trouble than it was worth, plus it always stirred up old feelings. Then I’d end up going through the whole grieving process all over again.

When he finally stopped showing up periodically, I didn’t bother to go seeking him out. But I didn’t realize so much time had passed since we had last been in contact.

When I did realize it, I went to go look for him at all his known hangouts. That was how I found out he was dead.

The doctor’s report said that they found Rene lying face down on the sidewalk with “blunt force trauma” to his head. He was rushed into surgery when he went into a coma and they claim he never woke up again.

He didn’t have any other family, so apparently, when they were unable to locate me and his son, no next of kin was ever notified.

The state cremated his body and kept his remains until I found out and was able to go get him. I never discovered the details surrounding his death, and I doubt that I ever will.

Dealing with True Loss

Up until the day that I found out Rene was dead, I thought I knew what grief looked like. I remembered what a mess I was when we first broke up and how I fell apart after the divorce.

But none of that could compare to how I felt when I learned that the love of my life was dead. Knowing that this time he was really gone for good made me depressed for more than a year.

What do you do when you’re heartbroken from losing a love, and other people try to tell you how to grieve?

I grieved for the man that I had once married. I mourned him like we had never been apart, and like his death had only just happened. I vividly recall all the hurt, the anger, the rage, the loss, the pain, and even the guilt.

They were all the same emotions that I went through after the divorce, only the situation and circumstances had changed.

Of course, everyone around me thought I was crazy. They couldn’t understand what I was going through; not when he’d been dead for so long and we weren’t even married when it happened.

They wondered why I couldn’t just snap out of it and sometimes I wondered the same thing. But how?

What do you do when you’re heartbroken from losing a love, and other people try to tell you how to grieve?

What right did anyone else have to try and define what I was feeling or why, especially when I didn’t even know myself. This time, I was really learning the meaning of true loss.

Finally Moving On

Ironically, the only way that I was able to finally move on was to remember what I did after the divorce. In no way, fashion, shape, or form am I equating the death of a loved one to a broken romance.

But I am acknowledging from personal experience that some of the same strategies on how to recover also apply.

If you don’t think so, just take another moment to look at the above list of do’s and don’ts that I consulted following my divorce.


Hopefully, my story provides a bit of inspiration and may even help someone else one day. If I can recover from losing the same love twice, you can also learn to get over a lost love and manage to get on with your life.

Charm Baker is the author of: How to Call it Quits and Move On (The Smart Self-help Relationship Breakup Guide)

How Do You Resist the Urge to Give Up On Your Dreams and Goals in Life?

Learn about the 10 self-defeating attitudes to avoid at all cost.

It’s easy to resist negative urges to give up on your dreams and goals in life, when you recogize the self-defeating attitudes that make you want to quit.

Longtime Dreams and Goals

When it comes to our longtime dreams and goals, we don’t always feel encouraged, especially if things don’t seem to come together the way we plan. Of all the emotions that can defeat a person’s productivity, discouragement is one of the primary ones.

For more than half of my life, writing has been my dream, and being a best-selling author became my goal. After years of self publishing, I’m not a best seller yet (I don’t count bestselling status, due to Amazon’s crazy algorithms).

Even though I haven’t reached my ultimate writing goal, I’m continue to write and self-publish, because of my real strong love for writing. But every now and then, I think about just quitting and not trying to become a best-seller.

Is there something in your life that you feel that way about? Everyone has some goal or important objective they want to accomplish in life. Read while I share some informative thoughts about defeat, and what I personally do, to resist the urge to give up on my dreams and goals.

Feelings of Defeat

The beginning of my writing career included blogging, ghost writing, and getting paid for web articles (all of which I still enjoy doing). When I began self-publishing my own ebooks several years ago, I was suddenly in love with another aspect of online writing.

I eventually self-published my first novel and mistakenly believed I was on my way to becoming a best-selling author. WRONG!

For a number of different reasons, (related to the book, the promotion and the marketing), I was really on my way to becoming a former author.

After months of trying endless online activities to gain visibility, I failed to get more than 5 book reviews. I felt defeated. Needless to say, I had the urge to give up.

Prior to being an author, I had suffered previous let downs in the past when it came to my online writing. But those setbacks were nothing compared to the huge letdown that I felt following the release of my first novel.

Now; several years, multiple ebooks, and two additional novels later, I’m still undiscovered. And yes, I’m still striving to become a best-selling author one day, and receive tons of highly coveted reviews.

I know my struggles and career challenges are probably no different from thousands of other writers and people in general. In fact, my situation is about as common as the 10 self-defeating attitudes that everyone should avoid.

The Desire to Flee

That saying about how the tough get going when the going gets tough didn’t originate out of nowhere. I suspect it has something to do with mankind’s inborn fight or flight nature, because in most cases, people usually choose flight.

The urge to give up is always present. Regarding our typical choice to flee in the face of fear, one Psychology Today article asked a question, then responded this way:

Can we consciously condition ourselves to be more active and less passive in the face of fear? I believe the answer is yes.”

That particular article chose to delve into the deeper, more scientific aspects of our brain’s connection to fear (Decoding the Neuroscience of Fear and Fearlessness).

But this article is simply about finding easy and positive ways to counteract negative attitudes that make us want to flee in the first place.

Negative Attitudes to Avoid

Most writers, artists, freelancers and entrepreneurs who are trying to get ahead can relate to feelings of defeat. If I could get paid for the countless times that I wanted (and even tried) to give up along the way, I’d be a very rich woman!

Fortunately, my crazy, persistent, love of writing has prevented me from completely throwing in the towel more times than I can mention.

Over the years, I learned something important about myself. I discovered that I have “10 Self-defeating Attitudes to Avoid at All Costswhen it comes to my online writing career.

#1 I start but then I get distracted

#2 I start something, then forget why It was a good ideal

#3 When it doesn’t go right the first time I say forget it

#4 If things move too slowly I say forget it

#5 If someone else says something negative, I start to get skeptical

#6 I get disappointed when I don’t get the same results as someone else

#7 I get discouraged or suspicious when I find out there’s a cost

#8 I get overwhelmed when I find out what all is required

#9 I change my mind about how much effort and time I want to invest

#10 I run into technical difficulties and quit

As you might imagine, the above statements often lead to feelings of helplessness and can cause you to give up on something you really believe in. This kind of negative thinking will make you quit before you even get started.

Ready to Call it Quits

On your never-ending journey to succeed, you will find that feelings of defeat can creep in from anywhere. This is especially so when you work hard online, pursuing some type of internet business, project, or activity.

Depending on the outcome that you perceive you should get, it’s easy to get into an “instant results” frame of mind. You want everything to happen right now, but it doesn’t, so then what do you do?

Unfortunately, for most creative people, entrepreneurs, and small business startups, success is not instantaneous or an overnight thing.

Many fail to realize this fact when they first begin on their journey. When they do finally realize it, frustration and dissatisfaction have managed to set in.

As defeat begins to creep into your spirit, it doesn’t take much to put you over the edge. One sleepless night, one missed deadline, one bad review, or even one broken link, and all of a sudden, you’re ready to call it quits! You just don’t understand why everyone seems to win but you.

If you want to learn how to resist the urge not to give up, you can’t afford to sing the “everybody succeeds but me” blues. That is precisely the kind of thinking that causes you to sink into a “nothing ever works” state of depression.

You need to give yourself a reality check (everyday if necessary). Remember that you are not alone in your struggles. The truth is, everyone is not succeeding and plenty of people have the same obstacles as you.

More importantly, some of those people are finding ways to move or work around the obstacles, and so can you.

So even when you feel like nothing ever works, if you continue to press forward and implement effective and proven techniques, something will eventually succeed, without a doubt.

Patience is Needed

Whether you have any or not, patience is definitely needed in order to resist the urge to give up when the going starts to get tough. If you happen to be a person short on patience, there is a very good reason why you should start learning to cultivate some, particularly if you work online.

It all has to do with the way things work in the undercurrents of cyber world. Things are not always what they seem, thanks to various algorithms, the cloud, and the use of unwavering search engines. You can’t just give up on your efforts to achieve your goals.

If you’re patient, it may take time, but your online activities could eventually become fruitful. You might just discover (much later on) that something you already put in motion is actually working to your benefit.

Don’t underestimate your previous blog or web articles, social media posts, or promotional videos and marketing ads. These things might take time to penetrate the right audience.

Many times, the positive online results that you are hoping for don’t happen right away. Sometimes the results may not be clear and easy to recognize. In my own case, there were lots of times that I stopped performing certain book marketing activities. I would simply run out of patience, and discontinue what I was doing.

Then I’d do some other marketing activity and eventually give up on that too. By the time I started getting positive results, not only had I stopped the activities, but I had no way of knowing which ones had really worked.

Patience would have prevented me from quitting useful activities prematurely. It would have also enabled me to recognize which activities were successful, so I could duplicate my efforts and improve on my success.

Mental Barriers & Obstacles

In my experience, I’ve found that having a lack of patience is often a common obstacle to successfully achieving a goal. Sad to say, there are many other mental barriers, including some very particular self-defeating attitudes.

But there are also some effective ways to help you remove or go around the obstacles that mentally block your path. In order to do this, you must be able to identify exactly what you are experiencing when negativity tries to creep in.

It stands to reason that before you can ever address a solution, you need to have a clear understanding of the specific problem or obstacle you’re dealing with. If you don’t identify what the actual issue is, you cannot determine the solution.

For example, whenever something doesn’t go according to plan, it is easy to get into a nothing seems to be working frame of mind. The reality is: Something in particular didn’t go according to plan. That is not the same as nothing at all is going according to plan. Can you see the difference in the mindset here?

Learning to focus on the particular obstacle and challenge at hand (one thing at a time) is mandatory if you want to resist the urge to give up.

Whether you’re a writer or author, a freelancer of some kind, or a business entrepreneur; you should do a self-analysis on a regular and consistent basis. Teaching yourself to recognize and tackle one obstacle at a time can help chase away the “I’m ready to give up” blues.

Taking Control

Thanks to my list of avoidable self-defeating attitudes, I’ve been able to overcome the feeling of wanting to give up. My dream of being a best-selling author is still my primary objective and focal point and gaining visibility is still hard. So yes, I still get discouraged at times.

But instead of giving in to the urge to give up, I consult my list whenever I feel myself getting off balance, or starting to feel defeated. I remind myself that what I’m experiencing is a distinct self-defeating attitude that I have the power to control and avoid.

Using my list, I scan and try to zero in on which attitude currently applies to how I’m feeling. I ask myself: “What is wrong with ME right now?” This question doesn’t refer to the actual problem or setback that I might be dealing with, such as: My book sales were low this month, my webpage is loading too slow, no one has reviewed my latest book.

Technically, these are issues that are not completely within my control, so I force myself to keep my radar on what’s actually in my power to fix.


An article I read recently by Thomas Oppong is titled: “Without a Plan, You Do What’s Passive and Easy.” This writer did a great job of stressing the importance of planning, if you truly want to make real progress. His article stated:

“A feeling of control motivates us to act, according to research.”

I couldn’t help thinking how true this is, even when it comes to the way we choose to deal with our personalities and mood swings. My list provides me with a concrete plan of action so I know how to handle the bad days that come and go.

Now, instead of getting myself worked up about a problem that is out of my control at the time, I try to focus on fixing my frame of mind. Maybe, I can’t do anything about making my website load faster or increasing book sales and reviews.

But until things change for the better, I can definitely do something about keeping the right attitude when setbacks occur. Now I’m convinced that I can resist the urge to give up.

Confessions of a Frustrated Author

How will you handle frustration about your writing career this year in 2020?

This year in 2020, frustrated authors should be determined to start the year off right, by adopting a new perspective, when it comes to their writing career.

I’m a frustrated author, but I can think of a million and one things going on in the world right now, besides my writing, for me to really be frustrated about.

  • Another big thing happening is, among other violence and bloodshed, a new wave of violence in Iran occurred within the last 24 hours. Now, close to 1000 more U.S. troops are being deployed there.

With all these problems and more, surely my own personal frustrations as an author shouldn’t amount to much.

Frustration and Hard Work

When I consider that everything else in my own life is not so bad (compared to the rest of the world), how can I be pissed about the poor sales performance of my novella?

It’s easy to be frustrated when you know you put a lot of hard work into something. This is true, whether you’re a writer, an author, an actor, or an astronaut.

No matter who or what you are or do, it’s irritating when you work hard and you don’t see the reward for your hard work.

My frustration and discontent stems from the failed launch of my new release, Tell Us the Mermaid Story (written under my new pen name Beka R. March).

Prior to the book’s release, I went through two short, but very busy, weeks of pre-sale activities. That includes paying for promotional marketing services, yet my book still had lousy launch results when it released yesterday (December 31).

I admit, I don’t always give things a chance before the frustration begins to set in; after all, today is ONLY the second day the book has been out.

But even when you wait things out and HOPE for the best, things have a way of not happening when you want, or expect them to. Needless to say, this is frustrating as hell! So what do you do? Do you give up and call it a day? Well I for one vote NO! At least not entirely.

Examine, Confess, Continue

The way I deal with constant frustration about my writing career is to examine, confess, and continue.

I’ve already examined the fact that no matter how much of my own hard efforts I put into marketing and promotion, I need either a highly professional paid staff behind me, or I need an edge.

I confess that since I first began self-publishing, I’ve already shelled out several hundred dollars (piecemeal) to try and enhance and promote my ebooks and particularly my fiction work.

I also confess that I DON’T plan on paying additional hundreds of dollars, only to receive little, to no concrete results.

That leaves me with the option of having to find an edge and continue striving to get my work in front of more eyeballs.

Commit to Writing Career

In order to continue on your author’s journey and not give up on your writing career, you have to be committed to the process, and everything that comes with it, that includes the occasional frustration.

Personally, I refuse to remain discouraged about the slow progression of my current book sales. The public statements I’ve already made about my upcoming mermaid series won’t allow me to stop and give up.

Publicizing your current work-in-progress can help keep a writer honest and on their toes, but it is also a great promotional strategy. Hopefully, by the time I’m ready for my next book launch, the results won’t end up being so frustrating.

When it comes to other promotional strategies, I also have a great plan in mind, to help me get that needed edge I spoke about. I’m still working out all the logistics, but like most things that are worthwhile, it takes time to come together.

I’ll be posting more about this in the upcoming week or so, because the plan will also benefit many new and existing authors, currently seeking more exposure.

Frustrated Author Solution

The solution to my own frustrated author status actually works in harmony with what I mentioned about finding an edge and continuing your author’s journey.

The idea involves conjoining the website with two of my affiliated book and author websites. The goal will focus on establishing more visibility and eventually gain more book sales.

Watching book sales can be the bane of an author’s existence. Book sales were at the core of my initial frustration this morning, because I couldn’t resist the urge to check the status of my Amazon sales page.

Other authors out there can no doubt relate to my compulsive action of constantly scrutinizing my book sales report page on the KDP dashboard. You can also probably relate to my frustration about my Amazon obscurity.

If you’re reading this post and you happen to be one of those authors, I can honestly say, with no hesitation, that this new website was tailor made for you. I love and writer for Readers but this content specifically caters to Writers and Authors, so be sure to return.

Authors Stay Connected

Let’s face it, even though there are major world issues occurring as we speak, we cans still be concerned about our own relatively small lives. It’s okay to view yourself as significant and worthwhile.

It’s easy to feel guilty and think, with all these problems and more, surely my own personal frustrations as an author shouldn’t amount to much. But the truth is, you and I both also matter.

Assuming you choose to watch and follow the growth of this new website, from its very inception, onward, you will definitely find relatable content that you can truly benefit from.

My plan to create a FREE and effective marketing and promotion network for authors is currently in the making, so stay tuned. I’ll be posting more about this in the upcoming week or so.


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